If I knew how today was going to start I would have stayed in bed. Is there a manual or a correct way to handle bad news. Is it acceptable to even feel sad for someone you haven’t share your life with for a few years. Would people think it odd that I still even care for her. I should have tried to keep in contact with her over the years but she made it very clear it was better they way it was.
Now I have to deal with the fact that she passed away. On top of it she had cancer. I was so shocked I didn’t even ask what kind of cancer she had or if she suffered or how long she was sick. I guess in a way it explains why she called me out of the blue, not so long ago. It was her way of saying goodbye, maybe she knew that her time was close. Would it be bad if I went to the funeral to say goodbye to her? Just to feel close to her in some way? I never realized how much I loved her. I think she never really knew how much she actually meant to me.
Against my better judgment I decide to go the funeral. It was simple but yet beautiful just the way she would have liked it. Why God did you take her away from me? I was going to ask her to share my life,that she no longer has to wait for me. But that is out of the question now.
I see that all the people I knew was at the funeral. Her sister in particular has been trying to talk to me since I arrived at church. I am not in the mood to listen to anything she has to say.
I just have to get through this day and I will probably never see these people again in my life.
The next day I decide to do some work from home as I didn’t feel like going into the office.
While I was waiting for the coffeemaker, the doorbell rings, I already feels irrated as I didn’t want to be disturbed today. I open the door, I was taken by surprise at who is standing at my front door. Isabelle’s sister is standing at my front door.
“Hallo Peter, how are you doing? I am sure it is a surprise to see me after so many years, but I am here to give you a letter from Isabelle as per her last request.” She tells me in her manner that says she is in no mood for the normal pleasantries. Well it suits my mood at the moment perfectly .I think of inviting her in but she declines saying that she has other stuff to do. She hands me a brown envelope, bides me goodbye and walks away.
I close the door behind me,with the envelope in my hand not sure if I want to read it or need to read it, would it make any difference any way?
I ponder this while I fill a cup with coffee and decides that i should read it as i will wonder and get no work done anyway. i look at the brown envelope as if it could give me any indication what it’s content could be.
A photograph fall out on the table. I look at it, as so many emotions go around in my insides. I remember where I took the photograph and when. It is funny how I could remember such an almost an important thing as a date. She looked lovely, full of life and a smile that hinted at something naught. She was so beautiful, it is so unreal to even contemplate that the she passed away. Why didn’t they meet earlier, maybe then they would have had more time. How much is enough time anyway?I put the photograph one side and look in the envelop, finding a letter addressed to me. It was a handwritten letter .
I don’t even know how many times I have tried to write you a letter. I don’t know if there is enough words in this world to tell you, how much you have meant to me. I know my love the choice I made was not an easy one but is was right. Looking back now it was the best choice for me to grow, to explore to be the person you fell in love with. Somewhere along the years I lost myself, the person I was. I know I hurt you but it wasn’ t intentionally. Always know that you were in my heart, in my thoughts, every waking day of my life. I wish you only the best that life can give you.
All my love
I fold the letter, place the photograph in the enevelope. Maybe tomorrow will be better.
Later I decide to find a photo frame to place the photograph in it.
She will always be part of my life. As I look at the photo I feel such loss and loneliness.