Voices in my head
28/01/2013 in Uncategorized
I asked God to help me. I had thoughts in the back of my mind that perhaps I would have to be in a bad accident or something so that I would be forced to sit still and know that He is God. I asked him please to not to do that. In all that time, I kept myself busy so that I would not sit and dwell on things as I was becoming very bitter with “dealing with my pain”. My earthly father has no love for me, so how could I experience the love of such a powerful deity? How could I understand an emotion that I had never experienced before?
I asked God to take my bitterness and unforgiveness away. I asked Him how to forgive and then walk away and not allow those to continue adding to my pain. I was just strong and carried on. Yet all the time I was questioning “why?” Why was I born? What am I here for? Why have I failed so miserably at everything I set my hands to? Why had I failed as a mother? As a daughter, as a sibling? Then I said: “You know what? None of it matters, just shut yourself off from feeling for others and accept that you have had a rough ride and get through each day somehow as it arrives.”
What a stupid thing to think!!
I looked around at what Christian people were doing… or rather, what they were not doing. What would Jesus do? I became totally removed from what Christianity symbolised. I converted to Islam as I found that I could identify more with the one true God that had not changed from before humankind existed. Then I found that Islam has a number of different “sects” growing within its ‘ranks’ and I became disillusioned again. I decided to just keep my belief in Jesus and that someday, somehow, somewhere The Almighty One would show me where to turn.
Then I began to feel exhausted. I was not sleeping. I had no one to talk to, to turn to and I became more exhausted to the point that I could not get out of bed in the mornings. I woke up after 5 days in bed and realised that I had been forced to sit still and know that He is God, but that I, myself, had to do something about it practically. I was not eating; I was just existing. And I remembered that a call to a ministry in Inner Healing had been placed on my heart 27 years ago and if I had not procrastinated, I would perhaps have been spared a further 27 years of pain…. But NOW my faith in a faithful and graceful God was at its lowest ebb!! I still believed in Him. I still knew He had the power to smite me down. My focus was turning to Jesus. And I began to be all confused again as to how this Father could love me. I had to focus on Jesus for all that He has done for me… for all of humankind. And most incredibly, how I had discovered the power of the person Jesus is through Islam. My mind went blank and lame.
All I came to know is that I am not on this earth for my own purpose. God is the same yesterday, today and forever. He is not the watered down, accommodating of new times Person that seems to have invaded the churches…… so where to now?
For the record and for the hope that someone out there may have at least one nearest to correct answer, I will record this struggle on my blog…….. read it or don’t read it, but do not judge me or tell me that I do not feel the way I do.