Voices in my head

28/01/2013 in Uncategorized

I asked God to help me.  I had thoughts in the back of my mind that perhaps I would have to be in a bad accident or something so that I would be forced to sit still and know that He is God.  I asked him please to not to do that.  In all that time, I kept myself busy so that I would not sit and dwell on things as I was becoming very bitter with “dealing with my pain”.  My earthly father has no love for me, so how could I experience the love of such a powerful deity?  How could I understand an emotion that I had never experienced before?

I asked God to take my bitterness and unforgiveness away.  I asked Him how to forgive and then walk away and not allow those to continue adding to my pain.  I was just strong and carried on.  Yet all the time I was questioning “why?”  Why was I born?  What am I here for?  Why have I failed so miserably at everything I set my hands to?  Why had I failed as a mother?  As a daughter, as a sibling?  Then I said:  “You know what?  None of it matters, just shut yourself off from feeling for others and accept that you have had a rough ride and get through each day somehow as it arrives.”

What a stupid thing to think!!

I looked around at what Christian people were doing… or rather, what they were not doing.  What would Jesus do?  I became totally removed from what Christianity symbolised.  I converted to Islam as I found that I could identify more with the one true God that had not changed from before humankind existed.  Then I found that Islam has a number of different “sects” growing within its ‘ranks’ and I became disillusioned again.  I decided to just keep my belief in Jesus and that someday, somehow, somewhere The Almighty One would show me where to turn.

Then I began to feel exhausted.  I was not sleeping.  I had no one to talk to, to turn to and I became more exhausted to the point that I could not get out of bed in the mornings.  I woke up after 5 days in bed and realised that I had been forced to sit still and know that He is God, but that I, myself, had to do something about it practically.  I was not eating; I was just existing.  And I remembered that a call to a ministry in Inner Healing had been placed on my heart 27 years ago and if I had not procrastinated, I would perhaps have been spared a further 27 years of pain…. But NOW my faith in a faithful and graceful God was at its lowest ebb!!  I still believed in Him.  I still knew He had the power to smite me down.  My focus was turning to Jesus.  And I began to be all confused again as to how this Father could love me.  I had to focus on Jesus for all that He has done for me… for all of humankind.  And most incredibly, how I had discovered the power of the person Jesus is through Islam.  My mind went blank and lame.

All I came to know is that I am not on this earth for my own purpose.  God is the same yesterday, today and forever.  He is not the watered down, accommodating of new times Person that seems to have invaded the churches…… so where to now?

For the record and for the hope that someone out there may have at least one nearest to correct answer, I will record this struggle on my blog……..  read it or don’t read it, but do not judge me or tell me that I do not feel the way I do.

The story of love ;-)

10/04/2012 in Uncategorized

What is love?  Is it a feeling or is it a way of being?

Some say this phrase so easily without even understanding all that goes with those three words “I love you”…

So the time has come for me to trust or not after four months of hearing these words.  The question is, can I really believe it is not a passing feeling… not so much on my side, but his.

Let me try and look objectively at what love is and should be and what it really is:

Love, to me, is a daily choice.  It needs to be grown with positive thoughts.  Those items on the “pro’s” list!  Yet always keeping an eye on the “con’s” list too.  Can there be a balance?

Do I want to have to prepare meals at specific times?  Do I want to share the comfort of sprawling out in my bed?  Can I learn to sleep through a symphony of snores?

Can I trust that he will be home when he says?  Can I trust that he will not forsake what he has promised me?  Will he remember that I was his choice to grow old with?

Hmmmm…  tough decision!  Lol

Being on your own does get lonely… but you can choose how to deal with it.  Never having time to myself to do EXACTLY what I want to and when I want to…  as many times as I have thought about this, I simply cannot answer unhesitatingly and that frightens me.

He is charming, romantic, loves a good conversation, has a vast general knowledge base, is kind and considerate most times.  At other times he can be demanding and jealous and unwavering on what he expects of me and does not truly seem to see that he is not The Ultimate Gift to women!

Love is patient and kind… it is considerate and gentle… it does not seek its own.  Well that is what the Book says, but can it be what the man does? 

To be honest, I have no doubt that I can do all these things.  But there is a but…  can I do it unwaveringly when he is not being lovable?

Oh deary me!  Sounds like I have to sit and think some more about all this.

Am I keeping too many options open?  No, I am not… I know the reality.  It is not that I think little of the male species and their obvious struggle to be faithful and all that stuff, but I do know human nature.

*nods head knowingly and glimpses not too despairingly at the vision of growing old alone* ….

Hello from Mossel Bay :D

03/04/2012 in Uncategorized

Arrived on Friday at 9am and everything is still a bit hectic! lol

But how is this view that I am faced with every day?

sun rise

Adieu

28/03/2012 in Uncategorized

The big day happens tomorrow!  I leave for Mossel Bay at 1pm.

Reflecting on these past two years in Pretoria, I see how much I have grown and changed.  I arrived here after the end of an era with His Lordshit full of optimism and hope, but it was not to be.

I don’t want to give Pretoria all the blame, but it has never been a place that I’ve found any happiness in.  It is the city of my birth and I think that is the way it should stay! lol

For more than half of the time here, I gave up dating and I suppose that is why it has been such a lonely experience.  But thanks to Dinx and Deryn, I did have some memorable moments for which I will always love them.

I leave here with a pending marriage (will keep that story for another blog) and heaps of hope and optimism and wish Pretoria well.

Adieu as the man in my life would say!   See you from the beautiful Cape  (see my new location!!)>>>>


here we go again ;-)

13/03/2012 in Uncategorized

It is now official… I move to the Cape next month.  To Mossel Bay at this stage, but hopefully will settle in Cape Town.

A couple of months more than 2 years in Pretoria and I just have not been able to find my feet here… in fact, I seem to have lost them!  lol

It has not been all bad here, I made some really good friends for which I am eternally grateful!

Maybe it is just that this town-of-my-birth holds too many bad memories …  I don’t know, but the pace and distance to everything has not been a draw card either!!

So, this will probably be my last post from Pretoria…  see ya all from the Cape soon!

some quotes to ponder:

All change is not growth, as all movement is not forward.
Ellen Glasgow

All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another.
Anatole France

Always remember that the future comes one day at a time.
Dean Acheson

Any change, even a change for the better, is always accompanied by drawbacks and discomforts.
Arnold Bennett

It’s raining again….

03/02/2012 in Uncategorized

Hello from Port Elizabeth …  It has done nothing but rain since I arrived on Wednesday Frown but has been nice to spend some time with another daughter Laughing

Going home tomorrow …. another long bus ride!  I choose to go by bus though as we have such a beautiful country!

See you from Gauteng next time 

I do love to be beside the seaside…

26/01/2012 in Uncategorized

Hello from Mossel Bay Cool

Arrived in Mossel Bay to visit my daughter on Saturday, but it’s been a bit too hectic to find time to post… but nothing much to really report, just that it is so beautiful here!

mossel bay

Will be in Port Elizabeth next week to visit my other daughter…  although it is not nice to be separated from my children, it is a good way to see the country Wink

If anything exciting does happen, I’ll pop and tell you about it! lol


Wise words ;-)

14/01/2012 in Uncategorized

?give

Beyond the midnight hour

06/01/2012 in Uncategorized

It is past 4am and I can’t sleep Cry and I find myself coming to the very place where my latest trouble began!

I began blogging when I was lonely at home and my world was very little, hence the title of my blog.

Blogging has been an excellent form of expression and helped me tremendously on my journey of “re” self-discovery.  I met some really wonderful people here and I can count on a few fingers the number of good friends I have made here in blogland, friends for life!

I found comfort and wisdom and very good advice from opening my life and my heart to this very place.  I poured out my soul and discovered who I am… it was one of the most incredible journeys of my life.

Sadly, however,  I made my blog accessible to my family.  That was a bad thing… that was the beginning of the end!

They couldn’t see what I was doing here, they did not want to understand that I was not airing my dirty laundry, I was working through my experiences.  Perhaps it was wrong of me, but it was what I needed at the time.  It helped me to be at peace with myself.  To know that I had a voice and others heard it and I found caring here… caring as I have not experienced within my family.

Following a catastrophic argument with my one sister, I closed my blog to them, but it was too late… I had lost the “wonder” of freedom of expression.  I ceased to blog about the real me.

During that time, my relationship with my father ended again.  I did not know why, but we do not have good history and so I simply accepted that I was not important to him and he did not want to even speak to me.  I made peace with it and my life carried on and took it course.

On the 31st December 2011, he celebrated his 80th birthday with a family gathering at my sister’s house.  I chose to not attend.  Along with his total silence and discounting of any message I sent him over the past two years;  him not even wishing me season’s greetings for 2010 and 2011 and then the coup de grace of him not wishing me for my birthday in 2011, I thought it wise to stay away.

Yesterday he arrived to confront me and the truth came out… if there be any truth amongst those of my bloodline!

That catastrophic argument with my sister that I mentioned earlier… well, it was about a blog I posted on my relationship with my father.  She had failed to read a little word in a very important place.  The word was NOT.  She had read the sentence without NOT in it.  She admitted this at the time of the war of words.

However, unbeknown to me, she had carried the information to my father… without the NOT word.  And, of course, had never carried the news of the NOT word to him in return.

It is actually not important… don’t forget to read NOT!  It is not important to me what was said and not said, it is important to me that he chose to not get the truth at the time of the tattle tale.  It would have saved a lot of unpleasantness.  My history with these people is one of perpetual misunderstandings.

At the end of it all, I am not at peace with this peace making mission!  It has opened a can of worms.

My daughter asked me why do I not let go of the past.  I replied:  Because at what stage do I put my foot down and say ENOUGH!!  At what stage do I stop the present from becoming a bad memory to deal with?  At what stage do I stop the necessity of constant forgiveness?

And this is my question:

Am I to allow these people to continue disregarding me or do I remove myself from them and find peace and joy in my present and future and avoid bad history?  Or am I running away… again?  They have NEVER, I repeat, NEVER taken the time to hear my side of any story, why would they now?

some end of year thoughts…

23/12/2011 in Uncategorized

I haven’t responded to any comments on my previous post, coz their computers would have crashed Wink  lol

Hope you get them up and running again soon! *giggles*




This past year has one of extremes for me… extreme happiness, sadness, confusion and decisions.  I am very happy to see 2011 on its way out the door.  Which reminded me that I say that every year Cry and from now on I am simply going to take what comes my way and keep a smile pasted on my face! lol

So, my dear friends, read the above picture and always remember that it’s not what life throws at us that is important really, it is HOW we respond to what it throws at us.

May Christmas bring you zillions of blessings and remember to cherish the time you have with your loved ones.