Missed you lots!!!
I promised myself in the past that I would not simply post something because I am bored and looking for some attention as that would defeat the whole purpose of my blog entries. I started this as an outlet for my pain when I was going through my divorce. It became a great friend, a companion, a platform for me to find some healing and I have, thank you so much for your encouragement.
Now post-divorce and I am finding and getting to know myself all over again. My likes and dislikes. My priorities, my expectations as a single divorced mom of one. My last entry was about this guy that I went out on a date with and how my expectations were not met in that particular situation. I would have gone feeling like such a victim for years to come until some unexpected turn of events in friendships.
I bumped into a male friend of mine that I had not seen in over 10yrs. My friend is unpretentiously and non-apologetically gay. We became friends fast in the past because he’s a straight shooter and quite entertaining. There’s never a dull moment with him so I find myself wanting to be in his company always. Soon after we re-connected I was already planning our nights out together and how I saw him fit into my plans and life. How we were going to be hopping from one social gathering to the other (never even once did I communicate these plans with him nor think he wouldn’t be available to entertain my thoughts and plans, that just wasn’t an option).
Anyway, in a week’s time we were already having coffees, breakfasts and nicely catching up. The following week my diary was full of activities that we were going to do together and there was one or two important events he just couldn’t miss (a birthday party that my daughter was invited to where he had to play modern family with us, drinks with my girlfriends that he couldn’t possibly miss). Ooooh, I had all these wonderful plans (once again assuming that he would come to these events, what else could he possibly have planned that could top what I have?).
Until he of cause bumped in the same week we were supposed to be having back-to-back festivities, bumped into an old flame of his. Not just an old flame but his soul-mate, the one who got away. Coming back in his shining armor, white horse and all. Declaring his undying love for him, telling him he wanted him back and had been thinking about him all this time. They hadn’t seen each other in 15yrs.
I was so happy for my friend for finding his long-lost love! But then my mind went into panic mode. What about all these plans I had for us, what about me and my daughter. In that pathetic madonna voice in Evita where she asks tears pouring down her face: “So what happens now, so what happens now, where am I going?”. In my case, not just with my suitcases and tail between my legs but with a child as well. OMW! Melo-dramatic, I know, blame the film-maker in me. Lol.
Then I got to meet the old-flame, me and my daughter and what an incredible man this guy turned out to be. I think part of me was hoping he would be a monster so I can show my friend how wrong they would be together and maybe possibly sabotage their relationship(I don’t know, I hadn’t thought that far ahead). The guy was amazing, hospitable to me and my daughter. Now I was thinking the only thing that would save me so my daughter and I can have my friend’s full attention back, was by appealing to this old-flame to please not be selfish and want my friend all to himself, I mean my daughter and I need him, right!? I made it clear to him that yes I understand they will want to spend each waking moment together but my friend simply cannot ignore his prior commitments with us. My friend just giggled and I knew that I had lost him.
The most dreaded sms came in the morning where he was cancelling our plans. NO! I ended up sulking for days after that until I shared this with another friend of mine who simply said I have no right writing people into my ‘life-scripts’ like that. She told me to snap out of it and stop having unrealistic expectations of my friends. She pointed out that the day she stopped doing that, that’s the day she found peace. As she would also spend time planning things around her friends expecting them to honor those events and she would be hurt when they disappoint her yet she never gave them the option to say NO.
Soon after I had that life-changing conversation with her, I started identifying people I had unrealistic expectations about and started releasing them from my ‘unforgiven list’. I realised that I been completely unfair to my friend. His life and how he plans to spend it, is his business and that I should be happy with the time he can spare me. I am happy to say because of that slap in the face, I am more at peace with not expecting much from people and because of making that decision, I find that people and friends are drawn to me now. I have become someone they want to genuinely spend time with because they want to and not because they are forced to by being emotionally black-mailed by me.
Now I find that my friend that I felt rejected by is now able to accommodate me whenever his life allows him to. But I am not his priority and it was unfair of me to place him in my life as one as well. My friend Nyasha always says: “Never assume the position of importance in people’s lives. Yes you might consider someone your best-friend while they might simply consider you a mere acquaintance.”As harsh as that sounds, trust me it saves one a lot of heart-ache. Some people are meant to be in your life for a mere season and you have to be comfortable with letting them go when the time calls for it. Don’t hold on to things you’re meant to be releasing, let them fly away, it’s their time to…
A long entry I know but absolutely relevant in my journey going forward.
Keep the peace..