My 1st time

Hi Bloggers,

I’ve been in broadcasting for a long time. I remember at the beginning of my career, I had just finished studying a short TV PRODUCERS’s course and I was ecstatic. I had dreams of being a film-maker, young, adorable but absolutely clue-less about the ins and outs of the flim/entertainment industry. After a few amazing gigs in production I thought I was fully armored to conquer this exciting world, that is films. I packed my suitcases and headed for Joburg praying to somehow be discovered. Like in my mind I thought I could probably just rock up at some production house and be snapped up just like that. Wow, the dangers of living in a bubble.

Yes it wasn’t long before I got into an internship programme at some broadcasting station, I was ecstatic! In my mind I thought well, I would network and eventually end up in a department where I could fully utilise my creative self and a chance to show off really. After the internship programme ended, reality quickly revealed that there was actually no real exciting opportunities for most of us unless you knew somebody in the station. My high hopes soon evaporated. Panic set in and I knew that I was totally doomed! My fear was giving in to the emotions I was experiencing cause I knew chances are, I would never pull myself out of that dump.

Long story short, I watched myself change from a vibrant, young lady to a woman that I couldn’t identify in the mirror anymore. One year in a meaningless department turned into 5yrs. The pay was awful! People in that department were older and were not really much help, I too was turning older quickly! The quicker I acknowledged that reality the more sad I got. I finally gave in to the fact that I might probably never amount to much…

I then took a vacation back to my Cape Town which is where I did most of my schooling. By the grace of God I got a phone call out of the blue that I had just been offered a fantastic job to oversee the channel’s music department. It was one hell of a break after struggling for 5yrs to find my passion. Yes it was far from film-making but I had met way too many film-makers wanna-beees in Melville and Newtown to know what my fate could possibly be. I wanted a stable income fast and the pay from the music job was better than my 5yrs that were wasted in that meaningless department.

I settled in my new music job and after 1year I got another opportunity that almost trippled my income, I would have been stupid not to have taken it. Anyway, soon after I realised that I could’ve possible made the biggest career-killer in my life. Soon after I learnt that, there were some hiccups in the boat that I had just jumped into. In less than 2yrs the new venture had to resize and unfortunately I was amongst the people that were dealt that terrible blow. The sad thing about the whole situation was that I had just gotten married, was a new mom when that happened. It wasn’t long after the company had spat most of us out, that my husband decided our union was not working for him anymore. That, plus the fact that somewhere along the way he changed his mind about me and forgot to tell me about it. It’s all well and good now but that meant, I now had to pack my suitcases and walk away from that pathetic “self” that had resorted to yet again begging another human being to love her. 

I then packed my suitcases and headed back to Cape Town, my mom was born and bread in Cape Town. We had never had a real mother-and-daughter relationship. If you’ve been following my blog you will be familiar with our relationship. Anyway, I arrived at my moms, with my daughter, all cried out! It took a full year to get a job, I just couldn’t get anything in broadcasting at all. I eventually found something towards the end of the year, it was a junior position in one of the departments I used to liaise with when I was in Joburg. The pay was pathetic and really still is but I was grateful. It’s now been 2yrs in this job but lucky for me I was made a senior pretty quickly in the department especially as a newbie. Now I find myself more miserable than ever as I surf through one online job spec to the other looking for the “perfect job”. I know what I can bring to the table. I’ve even done one or two Skype interviews with promising stations back in Joburg. I didn’t get the jobs but to me that was an indication that perhaps my breakthrough could be near.

I am still hoping that in this lifetime, I would eventually get to do what I love… Whether it’s writing, making films, blogging (this is already a reality, thanks to all my followers) etc. I am feeling a bit down hence this long blog entry but I know I will have to snap out of it asap.

Thanks bloggers for entertaining me…

Peace

Cinderella

Hi Bloggers,

I am on the roll hey! Yippeee! On a serious note though…

 I was listening to some audio tape the other day about  how one needs to stop listening to the voices in one’s head. What we tell ourselves when no one else is around or listening. What we think about ourselves deep down inside. This is not a new concept, I didn’t like get as Oprah likes to put it an “Aaha” moment. I simply got a better understanding of what that means. We get so self-absorbed in our little problems and completely misinterpret situations. We also get so upset when somebody corrects our little mistakes as our fragile egos most of the time can’t take it. The thing is we also under-estimate how maybe all that our little egos might need is time to get over ourselves/ things. In time we do lick our own wounds and do what most of us hate and that is make amends/apologise or say, we were wrong. I know I like thinking I am always right! It bothers me when someone points out the fact that I might be viewing myself from a completely biase point of view.

There’s a little situation I completely over-reacted to and as a result it nearly cost me my dear friend that I absolutely love and respect. The thing is yes that person might have been wrong in saying what they said but my ego/mind went straight into defense mode and as a result I said some things I should have never said. And because I was hurt and wounded at the time, “my poor” EGO! I felt like if I had apologised there and then, I would have lost favor and viewed as a weak person and people would have lost respect for me. Wow! My poor fragile ego! Anyway, a few days later I was still carrying around moping, telling everyone who would dare to listen, how that person had wronged me. Fast forward to a month later and I did the same thing to my colleague, that my friend did to me. Luckily for me, she was nice enough to let me know how awful my comment made her feel. I was so disappointed and ashamed of myself as I never intended for my comments to be construed in that manner. Which goes to show how often we say things we don’t mean, in the spare of the moment which result in chaos in our lives! For me being more silent but present is a better approach. Being responsive versus reactive is a calmer approach. Being responsive equals to taking time to understand what’s been said before letting your defense kick in thereby spoiling everything. Reactive on the other hand is more dangerous as you are at your weakest! You can say some ugly things you won’t even be able to take back. You can mess up good relationships with your loved ones. Learning to control one’s anger and emotions is difficult but “do-able”.

I remember how for days I couldn’t silence the voices in my heads regarding what my friend  said to me and made me feel. I kept replaying that casette over and over again. Coming up with more ridiculous versions of what actually happened. Which was far from the truth! A complete mis-understanding really. Wow! Gaining control over that part of my life is quiet challenging. A friend suggested I take walks everytime situations that make me upset arises. Which isn’t always practical. Another said what works for her is breathing exercises. The thing is I am a very reactive person and quiet confrontational if I may add. If I don’t like something, I want to talk about it NOW and hopefully have it resolved like “yesterday”. I must say that, the approach doesn’t always work to my advantage then I get frustrated and start lashing out. This is something I would like to change as it’s currently not working for me. I like the honesty as I say what’s in my heart but this isn’t always received the way I always hope it would be. I know that I didn’t stick much to the topic today bloggers but I had to write down what I am feeling as I am experiencing it.

FOOD FOR THOUGHT, perhaps…

Love, always

Dorah

Hi Bloggers,

I don’t know if it’ll ever change but I hope it will eventually get better – the stigma attached to being a divorced woman, I mean. Or will I have to choose to close my ears and ignore the voices within. I am pitied, judged, blamed and made to feel like a failure because according to many, what is wrong with me? I am 35yrs old and I keep asking myself if I’ll ever find love again? Or will I have to be content with being a single mother of 1.

I’ll tell you what I still pray for. I pray for a family some day. I still wish for another child or two, why not? Yet I don’t see that happening? And that will be a such a shame. Do I have the right to want those things? The other day I was busy updating my CV and the issue of marital status cropped up and I wasn’t sure what to write. If I fill in divorced, will that jeorpadise my viability in the market place? Will the employers reject me or simply stereotype me? Or does that equal to failure as well?

There’s a divorced woman in my division at work and I’ve seen how they ridicule her. I wish I could have the courage to walk up to someone and say: Hi, my name is so and so, I am a divorced woman.,”  Even more so I would love to have someone react or respond in a positive manner and say: “Hi, so and so – we accept you.” That would be absolutely free-ing.   

But right now, I’ll have to settle with just putting my thoughts on blog platforms… Thank you for that.

Love

Cinderella

Hi Bloggers,

My heart breaks as I am writing this entry. Even though this particular entry is not about me, I could so identify! It’s basically about what I have been able to monitor, observe and research and I find it quiet fascinating. The issue is about holding on to toxic unions/relationships/partnerships. I think with the lessons I’ve been able to learn through my own failed relationships, I feel the need to share this information with you all. Some of you might not agree with my take on things but I feel the need to share with you guys anyway.

I met a woman a while back, you see at face value this woman appears to be quiet charming and adorable. However, spend a few weeks with her then you will soon realise that she’s got a lot of issues and you would, trust me in time want to strangle her. She’s one of those that whine a lot, are never satisfied with anything and often blame her circumstances, fate, people etc to justified her own self-inflicted misery . I might sound a bit harsh in my description of her but trust me there’s a point to all of this. It’s to help us, it’s to pinpoint certain behaviours we might not even be aware we are doing. You can’t change what you don’t acknowledge, right? (this is courtesy of all the Dr Phil episodes I’ve watched over the years, lol).

Anyway, through her whining about everything, we eventually got to know her entire lifestory. Which got me to this particular story am about to share relating to her “current/ex-boyfriend?!” They met, got together pretty quickly and in less than a few weeks, they were live-in lovers and in a full-on relationship. After spending a few months with her, he found out she was a little overwhelming for him. He tried to break up with her a few times, but then she would manage to convince him that they are soulmates, that she’ll change blah blah blah. She was extremely manipulative and could cry on cue! He kept breaking things off in the 2yrs they’ve been together but somehow he could not (she was getting paid more, had a car and they shared a house together – she was practically paying for most things). As soon as the guy was able to stand on his two feet, he bought himself a car, dropped her like a hot potato and found his own place. That’s exactly what I thought would happen as soon as I caught wind of the story. I knew there must have been something that might have been keeping this guy from leaving. It turned out that this guy was just using her. yes that’s sad and all but gosh this woman is incredibly annoying! Am sorry to say. He was brave enough to have stayed with her for that long. 

My thing is even after he broke up with her, she was still in denial about her unhealthy behaviour in relationships. I told her that she needed to fix herself first before embarking on her next relationship. Almost everyday she would whine about her relationship with this guy, to anyone that would listen. Everyone was so relieved when they finally broke up as they looked so miserable together. Yet she was still begging the guy to stay.

You see I remember a time in my own relationship when I was holding on to my partner. the guy had cheated on me numerous times, lived a double life etc but I was still begging him to stay with me, giving him permission to continue treating me like garbage. It was pathetic, desperate and sad! I didn’t t realise what a bad space, I must have been in. Who would do that? Yet lots of us are doing it everyday. Begging someone that clearly doesn’t want you to stay with you? I am telling you, it was painful. I valued myself so little that I gave permission to someone that didn’t deserve me to treat and use me like that? I think that is why this woman’s story touched me so much, as often we turn to blame other people for our own behaviour and choices. Instead of sorting ourselves first so we can begin to attract healthy people and situations into our lives.

Am done with this vicious cycle, I value myself more, you should too…

Love

Cinderella

Hi Bloggers,

I recently threw an all-white “divorce” party to celebrate my new single self. I remember when I first suggested the theme-party. I had initially planned it for 10 of my closest friends, and 2 of them were quiet opposed to the idea. I perfectly understood as the 1st time I heard of the concept was on some American talk-show. I remember thinking: “Who would be so stupid and heartless enough to enjoy such a party? At the time I was still very much married and never thought it could happen to me (divorce, I mean!). I pre-judged the power of what a “divorce” party can do for one! It’s all about restoration! You see the idea behind it is to celebrate life rather than do what most women do, which is wallow in self-pity and go straight into depression mode. We often blame ourselves while man just simply move on. I promised myself that as soon as the divorce was finalised, that’s exactly what I was going to do. Forgive myself and attempt to move forward rather than focus on my past mistakes and choices. Celebrate the fact that I have survived divorce! Celebrate the fact that I was “brave” enough to walk away from a messed up union! Celebrate what society views as “failure” (if you happen to be a woman). Celebrate all that I have learned from the union and the process of going through a divorce. Yes, I have cried, blamed myself, blamed GOD even (yet I never consulted with Him when I made my choices – yet I was blaming Him?)!

My all-white divorce party was a success! 5 of my closest friends came instead of the 10. and I was happy with that. There was one that couldn’t make it as his wife didn’t support the idea of celebrating “divorce” and trust me I fully understand. Had she known what I have been through to get to this space that I am in and also the price I had to pay in that union, she would also understand my reasons for celebrating the divorce! It’s got nothing to do with my ex-husband or making fun of marriage but everything to do with the fact that I after everything I have been through, I am still standing! Standing tall in fact! Stronger than ever, through Christ that strengthens me!

As we approach the New Year, I’d like to thank God for bringing amazing new friends and old ones that have helped me through my hard times. I’d like to thank this blog platform for allowing me the space to write what I feel. It has been extremely therapeutic! As I go through the next phase of my life may I pray for peace and happiness and for good things to follow me.

Love and respect to all my blog followers.

Love always,

Cinderella

Hi bloggers,

Wow! Where do I even begin with a topic like this? The other day it just dawned on me that the reason my past relationships didn’t work out is because I somewhere down the line decided that I wasn’t good enough and gave men the permission to treat me however they liked. I went from one messy relationship to the other expecting men to validate me in every possible way. I chose the most unlikely suspects! I remember some of my girlfriends would cringe when I introduced them to my new conquest.  I knew what they were thinking, that I deserved better. I knew in my mind I could do so much better but the heart just couldn’t connect, I felt like crap and got treated like one! Where men would come into my life, take me, use me then toss me aside like a piece of burnt toast!

I would then spend years transfering my worthlessness to the next partner I meet, and the next and the next… Until my life came tumbling down and nearly strangled me in the process!

Now who in their right mind would allow themselves to be treated like that?! You wonder? I am telling you, an insecure woman, a woman who has been rejected all her life, a women whose self-esteem has never taken off, has never risen (at her lowest it probably peaked at minus zero, highest maybe a 4 if she was lucky!) How can that woman think she deserves better. How will that woman be able to identify the best when she doesn’t know what the best looks like, all she knew was the mess she was surrounded by! I grieve for all the lost years I suffered but at the same time I am equally empowered to give life another try, 2nd chances. I believe in 2nd chances, We all need  some of that.

I am in a better space, am ready for round-2.

Till next time

Love

Cinderella

Hi Bloggers,

I am sorry for abondoning you for so long, truth be told I have been through hell and back. I am now officially divorced! Yiiipppp! The most dreaded day came and went, little did I know what was going to follow, was a wave of depression. I’ve been divorced for a little over a month now and my emotions have been all over the place. Some days are better than others, but most of the time my days are just dreadful, filled with the ”loss” of a dream, loaded with insecurities, pity-parties etc. Self-doubt has also replaced my every day activities and thoughts, now instead of being a mom and taking care of my daughter I am paging through self-esteem books wondering if I’ll ever believe in love again. Or find love again for that matter but bloggers that’s a story for another day.

Now back to my title, I must say I never thought I needed to post this blog-entry until this morning when I was approached by a 28yr old, checking to see if she still could rock this hot dress she had on. Kind of like she was almost needing or wanting my approval, like my approval is what’s going to make her decide whether she’s going to kip her dress on or might have to go home and change. Questions like: “Is it ok at 28+ to still wear a dress/skirt that’s a little-above the knee or is a longer version more age appropriate” – which basically means longer and more conservative. Wow!  I laughed thinking when did we as women get to this point? I seem to have missed the memo as I’m still stuck with the mentality that as long as one looks decent, one can rock any “number” at any age (or does that apply only to celebrities?). But am surprised as especially now, women are looking younger and younger everyday. Taking better care of themselves and truly looking amazing.

I am turning 35yrs old in a month’s time and I am not going to lie and say I don’t feel the pressure especially from guys and younger women. The thing is I look way younger than my actual age but nonetheless I don’t hide my age from people. I remember the first time I shared how old I was, the people where shocked! Some plain out laughed and started mocking me, the guys that had the hots for me quickly changed their minds because to them I am now viewed as a “cougar”. The next day people couldn’t even look me in the eye. Some immediately started calling me “aunty” as if I could have given birth to some of them. Brother please, you’re 25yrs old, there’s no way I could have given birth to you at 10yrs old.

I don’t feel or look that old. Now wait a minute before you go around thinking I am in denial once again, I promise you I don’t. But what struck a nerve or annoyed me the most was how people immediately changed towards me and started throwing verbal insults at me regarding my age. Something I truly do not have a problem with. I mean, we’re are all getting old, it’s not something one can reverse and it’s okay by me. What bothers me the most is when younger women find out how old I am. Comments range from” She should not be so loud, she’s too old! She shouldn’t wear that, that’s too short for her age! To shame man she’s past her sell-date?! Or she’s showing too much cleavage, blah blah blah – the truth is my boobs will always look big even if I wear a polo neck, I just have a bigger chest.

There’s another young lady (she’s 27yrs old) who keeps throwing the age thing to my face as well , like it’s the only insult she’s got which is mind boggling because I don’t care much for one’s looks nor body. It’s challenging growing old with all the insecurities that surround us but  to actually be reminded of how unattractive aging is, is so unnecessary. Truth be told I am more confident at 35 than I’ve ever been in my 20s and for that reason alone I wouldn’t change a damn thing about my situation as I know better now and can deal with things with much wisdom. I have come to appreciate people’s beautiful hearts and personalities. I don’t care how old or young one is.

I was dismissed the other day by a younger man who looks even older than me, lol. He said to me, all eyes would be on the other girls at some party we’re going to and not me because I’m old and I suppose redundant, and he rolled his eyes. Wow! Whatever man…lol.

I am going to end by saying I would appreciate your contributions in handling this sensitive topic so that we can continue building each other up as women and not necessarily break someone down because of our own little insecurities. Let’s deal with them, sort them out so we can begin to feel adequate just as we are. No need to hate other people or women because you’re feeling small, that’s your own interpretation of who you are, we could be on the other hand wishing we were exactly like you. No need for jealousy, the universe is big enough for all of us!

Till next time…

Love

Cinderella