African Rain Forest Experience

April 26, 2010 in Uncategorized

My Goodness.

I have so much to tell you I don’t know where to start.

First…no baby yet.

Am beginning to think daughter has just put on a lot of weight.

Secondly…thank you for all the birthday wishes and the calls and sms’s.

I will respond just now.

Or tomorrow.

While it is still fresh in my mind I have to tell you all about the spa treatment we had yesterday.

Oh yes…the pic was the view from our room.

The damn waterfall had me running to the loo all night.

This is going to be a long post.

There could be bad language.

Viewer descretion is advised.

We arrived late on Friday evening and discovered lovely white robes and slippers in the cupboard.

Yesterday,after a huge breakfast, we, happily,donned our robes and headed for the Spa.

We were asked to fill in forms.

Who takes their glasses when they are going for a treatment?

I know why they do it.

Somewhere in the small print they tell you they are not responsible if you drop dead.

They also tell you they are going to do their utmost TO kill you.

We were introduced to a nice young MAN who said he would be in charge of us.

Looks can be deceptive.

He told us there would be 16 steps to our treatment.

I don’t remember them all.

The human brain is able to block out unpleasant things.

The first step was a salt and oil rub.

Ostensibly to remove dead skin.

A lot of you might not be aware that,as you get older, your skin becomes thinner.

By the time he finished I was convinced I had NO skin left.

I had visions of muscles, arteries and some bone showing.

He then took me to a shower and told me to wash off all the salt and oil.

This was to lull me into a false sense of security.

It was to be my last warm shower.

From there we were taken to a room with a small fountain.

We were told to splash each other and get throughly wet.

The water wasn’t too cold and we had fun.

Splashing each other like two little girls.

This was to make us think we were going to have a fun time.

Then he put us in a steam room.


I have never sweated like that in all my life.

It poured off me.

It was at this point that I started to mutter.

I devised a mantra.

I am having fun.

I am having fun.

I am having fun.

It didn’t work.

After ten minutes he released us and took me to a shower.

He held a towel over the opening and discretely looked away.

This was not to protect my modesty.

This was to prevent me from escaping.

He turned the shower on full.

It had been run through a deepfreeze.

I managed to yell   fuck twice and then I had to concentrate on breathing.

It was then I realised he was a serial killer and my days were numbered.

From there we were put in a dry sauna.

You don’t sweat.

You just gently cook.

He let us out after five minutes(or five hours) and asked what kind of oil we wanted in the sauna.

I let NA choose.

I was beyond caring.

Then it was back in for basting.

After that we were put in adjoining cubicles with two foot spas.

One with cold water and one with hot.

NA was put in charge.

I don’t think he trusted me.

We were supposed to sit with our feet in cold water for 2 minutes..then in warm water for two minutes.

We had to repeat this three times.

After the second session I rebelled and decided to stay in the warm water.

It was at this point that I realised NA had undergone a character change.

When the ghoul came back she TOLD him I hadn’t done all three.

My sweet, adorable DIL told on me!

He gave me a very reproving look.

Then he told us we were to go into the rain room.

This,he said, was the best part of the treatment.

Yeah right.

We were to lie on marble beds(I had earlier remarked to NA they reminded me of coffins in a crypt).

Marble beds are A) Cold…and B)Very hard.

He said it would start to rain.

A couple of seconds of cold water and then warm.

We just had to relax and enjoy.

What he forgot to tell us was this was not going to be gentle rain.

This was going to be a constant cloudburst.

A monsoon.

After two minutes I knew I was about to drown.

It was flowing up my nose.

It was going in my ears.

In fact, it was entering any little gap it could find.

I sat up.

I think the sheet might have fallen off.

I hope he will have sleepless nights for the rest of his life at the memory of 63 year old boobs.

Maybe he will go blind.

He said I should lie on my tummy.

I have never been able to lie on my tummy.

I have boobs.

They get in the way.

My back hurts.

I tried propping myself up on my elbows but the whole time this flood is pouring down on me.

I couldn’t escape it.

I hated it.

Afterwards NA said she had moved higher up on her bed and the water had not gone onto her face so much.

You would have thought she would have shared that vital piece of information with me.

I think we went into a room and rubbed cream on our bodies.

Then we were taken to the candle room and told to sleep for half an hour and we would be taken for a nice cup of herbal tea.

After ten minutes I was bored.

I wanted to go to my room.

I wanted to put toxins back into my body.

We sneaked out.

Just in case they had something else planned to torture me.

I am glad I had the experience.

No really…I AM glad.

There is always a lesson to be learned in life.

I have learned I will NEVER do the African Rain Forest treatment again.

I have learned that it has changed me.

I found myself giggling hysterically because NA couldn’t open our room door.

I even wet myself.

I kid you not.

I have to tell you this because I am sure she will if I don’t.

66 responses to African Rain Forest Experience

  1. Lol, so when are you going back again?

  2. Thank goodness you lived to tell the tale. What will these people think up next.

  3. That’s not my idea of a spa treatment at all!!!
    My idea is warm fuzzy robes and slippers and gentle music putting you to sleep as gentle hands give a scalp massage.
    Do you at least feel more invigorated?
    Ps. May the year ahead have at least 10x as many good things as bad things.

  4. Bloody good health and it’s travails are enbough to make one sick, ne…… Nah but unserneath I reckon you had a ball once you’d cracked the combination to the minibar…… Long Live Toxins!!!

    The baby will come in its own time. Moenie worry nie.

  5. You went to the wrong spa.
    My wife and me went to ZAU spa a few years ago. Heaven on earth for one day.

  6. Sounds like japanese water torture to me. I hate the noise of splashing water so would have driven me batty. At least we all now know what treatments not to have (haha).

  7. That is for sure….water torture..yech.

  8. The sunday treatment was magic but that is the subject of my next post.

  9. don’t tell me not to worry…Grannies worry…it is in our makeup!!!

  10. good…that was the idea.

  11. thank you so much Rose…yesterday’s treatment was like that…wonderful.

  12. I am alive but I think I am now mentally challenged.

  13. when I win the lottery!!!

  14. the view was incredible.

  15. thanks for the warning! It would have changed me in all the same ways :) x

  16. I nearly wet myself NOW! Glad you survived :D

    Belated Happy Happy Happy Birthday Granny :D

  17. Waiting to read about it.

  18. thanks so much Just me…glad I made you laugh.

  19. am so glad I am not alone in this!

  20. Hahah Gogs this is one of the funniest things I have ever read in my life. I also love the toxins. Really, I do. They can stay right where they are.


  22. tears running down my face laughing at your spa experience… going to some fancy spa treatment with M. next weekend, will give you a breakdown/lowdown and hopfully a good laugh next.
    Have a good day.

  23. Hey…that is great…hope you have a wonderful time!

  24. my spa day was filled with bubby alcohol and gentle treatments
    , they let us top up on toxins ALL DAY
    well now you start to feel younger as you felt so old during the rainforest

    great post, thanks for sharing

  25. too funny! hahahhahahaaaa!! amazingly funny!


  26. don’t think I will ever shower again!!!

  27. thanks Sidey…that was what I was expecting!!!!

  28. thank You Niels…so glad you enjoyed a laugh at my expense!

  29. I can laugh NOW Madmom!!!

  30. I know…damnit!!!

  31. Waaaaaahaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!! No ways. Thanx for this, I had planned to ask for it for my next birthday…or mothers day which a year closer..but I have changed my mind. I have almost peed myself laughing at this granny luv. Fortunately I had that op that stops you from doing it hehe….thanx for the hysteria. Loved it. Love you xxx

  32. PS In case you didn’t get any of my other birthday messages….happy birthday again. You will never forget this one :o) xxx

  33. I think I need that op!!!!

  34. Whaaaahaaaa. shame, doesnt sound like fun at all.

  35. I got your messages…thank you so much…I did send you a reply…maybe I pressed the wrong number…anything is possible after that treatment!

  36. sunday was fun…will post later about it.

  37. Later alligator!

  38. LOL!!!!! A belated happy birthday Granny!!!

  39. Hello Sweetheart…so glad you enjoyed!

  40. Good morning 40…thank you so much.

  41. this was absolutely brilliantly written, I actually could feel your pleasure/pain. hehe

  42. ahahhahaaa!!! still laughing and blogged you in a way


    did wish you on FB my doll

  43. I haven’t laughed so hard or so loudly in absolute ages. My husband officially thinks that I have lost the plot!
    Thank you for an awesome start to my week. I’m still giggling

  44. Thank you so much for the pleased you enjoyed it.

  45. I’ll go and look now..hehe

  46. Thank you so much Blanket.

  47. I had the same thing at work. I was nearly crying my eyes out.

  48. Hi Rea…I appreciate the delicate bit!!!

  49. You guys are making me blush!

  50. Great Post Granny, liked the format…long post made shorter by compact to the point structure…

  51. ROTFLMAO, our receptionist just thinks I have lost it :)
    happy belated birthday!

  52. If it is any consolation…I HAVE lost it!!!

  53. Hi Love…am thinking about the follow up.

  54. thank you so much Superdude…very kind of you.

  55. That is SO funny!

    I can tell you are the rebellious type, and in army training would have spent most of your time in DB!

  56. Thank you Col…coming from you…high praise indeed. No I would never have done well in the army…for one thing I can’t do push-ups!!!

  57. lmao, excellent!!
    Note to self: do not accept any vouchers/winning tickets/or convincing talk from anyone about the RAIN FOREST TREATMENT
    p.s. Happy Birthday for the other day!

    Thank you Gran :-) xx

  58. Hello Frootcake…thank you so much for the visit.

  59. Oh my goodness, granny…. this experience of you was hillarious (to me in any way)!! Well, I am sooo sorry thta you had to endure this, but thanks for warning the rest of us!!

  60. good Morning PPD…a bit of tongue in cheek!!!

  61. I am crying with laughter here, this made for a brilliant read!!

  62. Side-splitting! (still stiff from all the laughing we did on the week-end) :0))))

  63. Me too…love you!

  64. Thanks love…it was great fun…I think!

  65. OMG! I’m sitting here at my desk laughing out loud! This is hilarious Granny! I think you’ve found a new calling as a travel writer! ;-)

  66. Thank you so much Jem!!!!

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