African Rain Forest Experience
April 26, 2010 in Uncategorized
I have so much to tell you I don’t know where to start.
First…no baby yet.
Am beginning to think daughter has just put on a lot of weight.
Secondly…thank you for all the birthday wishes and the calls and sms’s.
I will respond just now.
While it is still fresh in my mind I have to tell you all about the spa treatment we had yesterday.
Oh yes…the pic was the view from our room.
The damn waterfall had me running to the loo all night.
This is going to be a long post.
There could be bad language.
Viewer descretion is advised.
We arrived late on Friday evening and discovered lovely white robes and slippers in the cupboard.
Yesterday,after a huge breakfast, we, happily,donned our robes and headed for the Spa.
We were asked to fill in forms.
Who takes their glasses when they are going for a treatment?
I know why they do it.
Somewhere in the small print they tell you they are not responsible if you drop dead.
They also tell you they are going to do their utmost TO kill you.
We were introduced to a nice young MAN who said he would be in charge of us.
Looks can be deceptive.
He told us there would be 16 steps to our treatment.
I don’t remember them all.
The human brain is able to block out unpleasant things.
The first step was a salt and oil rub.
Ostensibly to remove dead skin.
A lot of you might not be aware that,as you get older, your skin becomes thinner.
By the time he finished I was convinced I had NO skin left.
I had visions of muscles, arteries and some bone showing.
He then took me to a shower and told me to wash off all the salt and oil.
This was to lull me into a false sense of security.
It was to be my last warm shower.
From there we were taken to a room with a small fountain.
We were told to splash each other and get throughly wet.
The water wasn’t too cold and we had fun.
Splashing each other like two little girls.
This was to make us think we were going to have a fun time.
Then he put us in a steam room.
I have never sweated like that in all my life.
It poured off me.
It was at this point that I started to mutter.
I devised a mantra.
I am having fun.
I am having fun.
I am having fun.
It didn’t work.
After ten minutes he released us and took me to a shower.
He held a towel over the opening and discretely looked away.
This was not to protect my modesty.
This was to prevent me from escaping.
He turned the shower on full.
It had been run through a deepfreeze.
I managed to yell fuck twice and then I had to concentrate on breathing.
It was then I realised he was a serial killer and my days were numbered.
From there we were put in a dry sauna.
You don’t sweat.
You just gently cook.
He let us out after five minutes(or five hours) and asked what kind of oil we wanted in the sauna.
I let NA choose.
I was beyond caring.
Then it was back in for basting.
After that we were put in adjoining cubicles with two foot spas.
One with cold water and one with hot.
NA was put in charge.
I don’t think he trusted me.
We were supposed to sit with our feet in cold water for 2 minutes..then in warm water for two minutes.
We had to repeat this three times.
After the second session I rebelled and decided to stay in the warm water.
It was at this point that I realised NA had undergone a character change.
When the ghoul came back she TOLD him I hadn’t done all three.
My sweet, adorable DIL told on me!
He gave me a very reproving look.
Then he told us we were to go into the rain room.
This,he said, was the best part of the treatment.
We were to lie on marble beds(I had earlier remarked to NA they reminded me of coffins in a crypt).
Marble beds are A) Cold…and B)Very hard.
He said it would start to rain.
A couple of seconds of cold water and then warm.
We just had to relax and enjoy.
What he forgot to tell us was this was not going to be gentle rain.
This was going to be a constant cloudburst.
After two minutes I knew I was about to drown.
It was flowing up my nose.
It was going in my ears.
In fact, it was entering any little gap it could find.
I sat up.
I think the sheet might have fallen off.
I hope he will have sleepless nights for the rest of his life at the memory of 63 year old boobs.
Maybe he will go blind.
He said I should lie on my tummy.
I have never been able to lie on my tummy.
I have boobs.
They get in the way.
My back hurts.
I tried propping myself up on my elbows but the whole time this flood is pouring down on me.
I couldn’t escape it.
I hated it.
Afterwards NA said she had moved higher up on her bed and the water had not gone onto her face so much.
You would have thought she would have shared that vital piece of information with me.
I think we went into a room and rubbed cream on our bodies.
Then we were taken to the candle room and told to sleep for half an hour and we would be taken for a nice cup of herbal tea.
After ten minutes I was bored.
I wanted to go to my room.
I wanted to put toxins back into my body.
We sneaked out.
Just in case they had something else planned to torture me.
I am glad I had the experience.
No really…I AM glad.
There is always a lesson to be learned in life.
I have learned I will NEVER do the African Rain Forest treatment again.
I have learned that it has changed me.
I found myself giggling hysterically because NA couldn’t open our room door.
I even wet myself.
I kid you not.
I have to tell you this because I am sure she will if I don’t.