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Yuletide thoughts of a sort

11/12/2012 in Uncategorized

(These season’s greetings are courtesy of that excellent band Mecury Rev)

And To All
inner star astronauts and winter solitude savorers,
warm weather worshippers and faraway neighbors,
burlesque banshees eating turkish delight
and moon splashed mermaids this coming full moon night

To All
mistletoe haunting spell weaving witches

vinyl rocking warlocks scratching their itches
blood lusting Rev loving Hammer horror film lingerie queens
and the candle-eyed minx-like 21rst century changelings

To All
universal monadists and dream yoga buddhists
sirens on the shore saving gluten-free holiday foodists
glitter wolves and wisemen who’ve lent us their ears
and lotus flower lasses who’ve stood with us through the years

We wish you

what it is you wish for
for what else is there to wish for
at such a strange balancing point in our lives
here in the now of this wonderful time of year
but health, harmony and happiness
on the inside and outside of one another…

And so to all
Happy HolyDaze
And a silent Solstice dear
And to a lifetime ahead
of outer space starry nights
and inner space starry cheer.

The Very Best From Us
To You And To All In Your Sphere

See You On The Other Side,
Jonathan and Grasshopper

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Unexpected pleasures.

07/12/2012 in Uncategorized

Unexpected pleasures.

1. A book.
I bought a book recently from the Thursday market at the hockey fields. I paid R5 for it but had to bargain the seller up somewhat to secure that price as she only wanted R2. That lowly price combined with the fact that it was a Victorian detective story left me with no great expectations for the novel. How wrong I was; it was a delight, with surprisingly un-stereotyped characters, lively dialogue and lots of humour. The first description of the lead character as he awakes from a drunken stupor is a marvelous bit of comic writing. (The book is The Fiend in Human Form and the author is John MacLachlin Gray, a Canadian)

2. A song
I was listening to a compilation jazz CD that I had listened to dozens of times before when I was surprised by  a great version of April in Paris by the Sauter-Finigan band. Surprised because I had never noticed the song before and because I had never heard of the Sauter-Finigan band. Perhaps elves had snuck in and inserted the song after I had listened to it a few dozen times.

3. Blogging.
A virtual friend had a blog and suggested i read it. Dutifully I did. then I wanted to comment, so I had to sign up and then a while later I started posting copy-and-pastes but then Niels shat me out for that and I started blogging “proper”. I never expected to enjoy it but then moonbats like Sven, Kolobe, KevD, A.N.Other, TruVanPunt Pop Idol and Geannan joined the fray and what fun it was. The migration has dampened the fun almost completely, but who knows perhaps a new moonbat will begin blogging and the fun will start up again.

Unexpected pleasure bring enjoyment, unexpectedly, and I hope for many more, but I just don’t know where to expect them. By definition, of course.

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Three cheers for Hlaudi

06/12/2012 in Uncategorized

Three cheers for Hlaudi Motseneng, the acting Chief Operations Officer of the SABC. In fact I am somewhat envious of the man. When being pressed to explain the SABC’s decision to cancel/ban/censor a radio interview with three independent journalists about media coverage of the ANC’s upcoming elective conference in Mangaung, Motsoeneng came up with this pearl:

“For us, it wasn’t about the ANC. We want to protect every citizen of this country… We are correcting behaviour that is wrong… A decision has been taken. We mean business at the SABC. It is the leadership at its best,”

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Aphrodite in the 21st Century

04/12/2012 in Uncategorized

[De Waal posted a poem on his blog - - and I thought I'd take a stab at something similar]

I saw you, Aphrodite
you were walking down the street,
passing Ravenscourt Park, near Hammersmith
in a white Summer dress
– other drivers may have thought
they were witnessing a movie shoot,
such was your allure
and the effect you had on passersby –
But I knew it was you, Aphrodite

Beauty, love, pleasure and procreation
personified in one shimmering goddess.

Turbo-diesel motor cars, tarmac and i-Pods,
cellphones, bicycles and frisbees
all would have been new to you Aphrodite
but your beauty is timeless
and the stirring of the blood
in those who behold you
is as old as the earth itself, I think

Perhaps I should have been bold,
bought you an ice-cream
from the nearby Tesco’s
struck up a conversation
and eventually invited you out
to Le QuecumBar & Brasserie
across the river, past Battersea Dogs home
and the disused power station
And like Adonis and Ares become your lover

Perhaps I should have been bold
but I was content, instead, to gaze
and feel and admire
Beauty, love, pleasure and procreation
personified in one shimmering goddess.

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Always look on the bright side of life

29/11/2012 in Uncategorized

Of all the things I never thought I would hear myself say, “I was somewhat disappointed that Kitchener had never sent me the large black dildo” would be right up there on the leaderboard. But there you are, that just goes to show how unpredictable life is, because that is exactly how I was feeling recently. Perhaps I should explain that the above mentioned dildo was the one used in the movie “Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels” and it was owed to me because I had won a bet with Kitch when the Springboks trounced England on their three test tour here earlier this year.

But the prize dildo was not forthcoming, if you will pardon the phrase, and with the demise/migration of the blogs I had no way of contacting the old jingoist. I had always imagined his upper class affectations to be something of a sham, and I now imagined him in a council flat in South Lambeth getting ready to go to the job centre and then on to the Fat Parrot pub with his welfare cheque to spend the evening drinking and laughing at the silly Count Czardas for expecting him to honour a bet.

It was just after this that I found myself in Asia Minor (for reasons I will not go into here) and on a journey into the remote and desert-like tribal lands between Samarkand and Protokol, late in the afternoon, I was on a small kopjie when I heard a voice call out “I say, old pip, would you mind awfully passing me that water bottle ?”. There was a British Army Guardsman lying behind a bush; he had been shot in the leg and the side that morning, and with his water bottle just out of reach, he was sunburnt, dirty and thirsty.
I passed him the bottle, and after watching him staunch his thirst in small sips, I gave him a sip of 10 Year Old MacAllan Whisky from my hip flask, and I tried to make him comfortable and we chatted into the dusk as I kept him company in those grim last few hours on this plane as life ebbs away, and when nobody should be alone.
“Ever so grateful, old bean” he said, his manners never leaving him despite the pain. We talked of his life, his schooling at Gordonstoun, his time at Cambridge (a rugby blue and a boxing half blue) and his career in the guards.
It was only much later, as darkness neared, that something he said alerted me to the fact that he blogged on a South African sports website, and a few more questions ascertained that yes, this was indeed Horatio Kitchener from the sports blogs.

I buried his body that night in a shallow, lonely grave, and said a small prayer. Just one of the soldiers who laid down their life protecting the West’s interests in far way places, pawns in the Grand Game.

So, to who-ever goes through the fallen Guardsman’s belongings back in Blighty, when you find a large black dildo that was used in a Guy Ritchie movie, don’t worry to post it to me; it was just a silly bet on a silly rugby match, and so rather give it to somebody who will appreciate it.

At the going down of the sun, I will remember the old bastard, and I’ll raise a glass of whisky, and I will play “Always look on the Bright Side of Life, Brian” which he informed was his favourite song.

Adios, old Kitch.

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22/11/2012 in Uncategorized

The phrase used in line three
“Hey! Do you remember that thing ?”
Is not my own original work.
Actually I misheard the lyrics
Of a Syd Straw song
At the end of movie on telly
Starring Uma Thurman
And Minnie Driver.

If I were an English prof
Critting my own poems
I’d take a red pen and write:
Too many words and too much nostalgia

And the phrase used in line three
(and also  line sixteen)
“Hey! Do you remember that thing ?”
Would be a neat heading
To scribble on a shoebox
In which I would put
All the “too much nostalgia” poems
And hide the shoebox
Down in the wine cellar
In the hopes that  the poems
Like a well made red wine
Will improve with age
And mature.

And one fine day
I could go down to the cellar
And choose a fine merlot
And pick up the shoebox
And open them both
And settle down at the television
And watch a re-run of an Uma Thurman movie
Also starring Minnie Driver.

Hey! Do you remember that thing ?

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The Cadres

06/11/2012 in Uncategorized

I’m always amazed at how the really good poets pack so much punch in so few words. One of the very best poets in the English language published this poem in 1919, an astonishingly brief twelve lines was all it took to witheringly describe cloistered and ivory tower academia and its dry hypocrisy and smugness:

BALD heads forgetful of their sins,
Old, learned, respectable bald heads
Edit and annotate the lines
That young men, tossing on their beds,
Rhymed out in love’s despair
To flatter beauty’s ignorant ear.

All shuffle there; all cough in ink;
All wear the carpet with their shoes;
All think what other people think;
All know the man their neighbour knows.
Lord, what would they say
Did Count Czardas walk their way?

Not being a great poet myself, I just thought I’d shamelessly steal the twelve lines and adapt them to South Africa in 2012:

Rich cadres forgetful of their struggle,
fashionable, respectable cadres
Edit and annotate the lines
of Tender documents,
designed to enrich
The connected and the cool.

All sip Johhny Blue; all sup on sushi;
All toyi-toyi in designer shoes;
All think what other people think;
but only when the election is due.
Lord, what would they say
Did Robert Sobukwe walk their way?  

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13/08/2012 in Uncategorized

Memo from: Kevin Pieterson

Hi bosses,
Please note that the Lord’s test might possibly be my last due to the fact that I want more money…due to the fact that it is not easy being me in the English dressing room.

Memo from: Geoff Miller
To: KP

Hi Kev,
many thanks for letting us know of your plans and good luck in your future career.

Memo from: KP

Jeez you idiots never get it right do you…I mean, that is not what I meant to say, I meant that I am available for selection in all forms of cricket. Don’t you old farts ever watch me on youtube ? Please tweet me a link to my new and improved contract. Taa.

Memo from: Geoff Miller
To: KP

Hahahahahaha. Enjoy the IPL.

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22/05/2012 in Uncategorized

1. Laid – James
2. Say You Love Me – Fleetwood Mac
3. Never Known A Girl Like You Before – Edwin Collins
4. Shiny Happy People – REM
5. Thunder Road – Bruce Springsteen
6. Firestarter – Prodigy
7. Born Slippy – Underworld
8. Paint It Black – The Rolling Stones
9. Kooks – David Bowie

There were no winners, which is a pity really as the prize was a really cool all expenses paid trip trip to the Rolling Stones’ New Year’s bash at Haverstock’s in New York. Better luck with the movie dialogue quiz which will be posted soon.

Niels came top class with five, although he really should have deducted one point for calling Fleetwood Mac “gay”.

Kitchener got four right and Bernard three.

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13/05/2012 in Uncategorized

In the day and age of google it would be very simple to pop the following lyrics into the search thingy and get the answers that way, but I’d like you lot to go the more time honoured route and see how many song titles you can match to the following lyrics (artists and albums may add bonus points, at the sole discretion of the judges):

  1. “This bed is on fire with passionate love, the neighbours complain about the noises above, but she only comes when she’s on top”

2. “Cause when the loving starts, and the lights go down,
And there’s not another living soul around,
Then you woo me until the sun comes up”

3. “I’ve never known a girl like you before

Now just like in a song from days of yore

Here you come a knockin’, knockin’ at my door

And I’ve never met a girl like you before”


 4. “Meet me in the crowd, people, people
Throw your love around, love me, love me
Take it into town, happy, happy”


5. “The screen door slams
Mary’ dress waves
Like a vision she dances across the porch
As the radio plays
Roy Orbison singing for the lonely”

6. “Yeah, yeah, yeah

I’m the trouble starter, punkin’ instigator
Oh, I’m the fear addicted, danger illustrated”


7. “Drive boy dog boy
Dirty numb angel boy
In the doorway boy
She was a lipstick boy
She was a beautiful boy
And tears boy”

8. “I see the girls walk by dressed in their summer clothes
I have to turn my head until my darkness goes”


9. “Will you stay in our Lovers’ Story
If you stay you won’t be sorry
‘Cause we believe in you”