Frikkadel (meatball)

Adele was a bit of a freak;
One thing she did do well:
To make a meatball was her treek;
She called it Freak Adele.

Wors (or Boerewors – farmers sausage)

And when she got up every morn
She’d make a sausage course;
And out of this habit there was born,
‘To go from bed to wors.’

Koeksuster (cook sister) sweet confection.

Her siblings all fail to survive -
The plaits of them are neat;
Fried, dunked in syrup, they derive
A koeksuster sweet treat.

by colonialist

REALLY AWFUL FLAMING LOGIC IN TRAIN

January 31, 2013 in Current Affairs, humour, Really Awful Rhyme

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Tags: burning trains, Colonialist, Humorous rhyme, really awful rhyme, satire, Settler’s Perspective, stoning trains and buses

How to make trains run on time.

Commuters in Umlazi get

Put under lots of strains,

And to express displeasure set

Alight offending trains.

A bunch of this lot’s breth’ren stole

Some cable from the track

Which sends the signals up the pole

Until it gets put back.

The manual system that is used,

When current there is none,

Seems rather to have been abused -

For practice there was none.

And thus two trains met nose to nose,

With something of a crunch:

Collision which quite clearly shows

Some brains were out to lunch.

The blockages upon the line

Caused other trains to run

Extremely late; commuters whine

That waiting is no fun.

And so, they threw some rocks at trains -

Quite logical to do;

Much better than if one complains,

And exercises, too!

This didn’t seem to do the trick,

So next they did aspire

To show, of waiting, they were sick,

By setting trains on fire.

In Africa, if horse won’t go

Because it has a fetter,

You simply kill it with one blow

To get it going better.

by colonialist

MEMORIES OF A ROADHOUSE

January 29, 2013 in Journal, Writing

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Tags: Colonialist, dog-riding cat, Doll House Roadhouse, ice cream and Coke, moonlighting in disguise., Roadhouse, Settler’s Perspective, totally plastered, Trevor Romain

Harmony has posted a series of drawings by Trevor Romain vividly depicting some of the things one might remember from growing up many years ago in the suburbs of Johannesburg and ‘The Witwatersrand’.

The Doll House

The one above includes a place which holds a special place in our hearts. The Doll House. This was a scene of visits when driven there by parents, and later over a number of years it saw us in all the stages of growing up from teenage to young adulthood.

It was there that I passed out after having been dared to do a ‘boat race’ or ‘down-down’ on half a bottle of whiskey after many other drinks at a work party. Fortunately my girlfriend, after wondering if the corpse would ever be revived, and how she could drive my sports car home when her feet wouldn’t even reach the pedals, recognised a cousin’s boyfriend as a late visitor to the roadhouse.

He was also far gone, but sobered up immediately when he saw me. He drove me home in my car while girlfriend drove his. Then I was marched up and down outside before being injected into the front door. I woke up the next morning with no memory of the party or its aftermath and a hangover from hell. I didn’t touch a drink for a good couple of years after that!

Surprisingly, that girlfriend didn’t dump me, and the Doll House saw many more visits from us over the years of our courtship and engagement.

In due course, when we were visiting it as newlyweds, all we had to do was draw up and a minute or so afterwards two Cokes, in glasses for dipping, and three ‘Frozen Dolly’ ice creams, would be delivered to our window. I would be dipping two-handed. One Frozen Dolly would be slurped by me and the other held over my shoulder where our Siamese, Thai, would be sitting on the backrest telling me loudly to get a move on with it.

I can imagine the howls of protest at the thought of feeding a cat Coke and ice cream, but he loved it as passionately as we did, and showed no signs of not thriving. He went everywhere with us, and he gave me the inspiration for my character Tabika’s dog-riding exploits when he rode a notorious cat-killing German Shepherd, who had escaped from confinement and come looking for trouble, all the way down the road, digging pins energetically into its back and hindquarters. The dog was so petrified it left a trail of … ahem!

After that Thai would often sit on the gatepost, head moving from side to side as he hopefully looked for any more dogs to chase or ride.

Anyway, a less pleasant memory of the Doll House was when we ran our budget too tight, and I went to work in the kitchen for a while wearing glassless spectacles and a false moustache – my employers frowned on moonlighting. It was extremely hard work, and without the tips enjoyed by the front line staff was poorly paid.

Nevertheless I look back on that roadhouse with great fondness.

Thanks for the inspiration, Harmony!

by colonialist

REALLY AWFUL APOLOGY

January 26, 2013 in Current Affairs, Really Awful Rhyme

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Tags: ANC tacitly admits guilt, Bank Ad campaign controversy, Colonialist, current affairs., First National Bank backs down, really awful rhyme, South African youth aspirations., You Can Help Campaign, youth criticise SA conditions

Again regarding the First National Bank ads featuring youth giving their ideals for the future, it appears the bank has been repeating apologies. What an idiotic reaction from all sides. The government lost a wonderful opportunity of saying that they were taking note of all the perceptions and ideals of these inspiring young people, with a view to addressing the issues raised. The bank and agency lost an opportunity for putting the stupid politicians in their places by vigorously defending the rights of the youth to have expressed their views, unscripted as they insist they were.

‘Everything in our garden is quite lovely -

It’s treachery to say that it is not,

And also it is quite the board above-ly,

No nasty little secrets have we got.

‘To say that traffic safety is appalling,

Or that the transport system is a mess,

Is simply unacceptable and galling,

Demanding that the error you confess.

‘That youth believe there is a lot of crime here

Is just a bunch of most malicious lies!’

Thus ANC go into tantrum-time here,

Demanding that the bank apologise.

And though the garden has more weeds than flowers,

And looks as though unmade is every bed,

One must conform to views of ruling powers,

And say that it is beautiful instead?

Apologies should not have been forthcoming

Regarding youth perspective clearly said,

And in response to ANC tantrum-ing,

They should have been invited to drop dead.

by colonialist

VILLAINS AND COWARDS

January 22, 2013 in Current Affairs

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Tags: ANC tacitly admits guilt, Bank Ad campaign controversy, Colonialist, First National Bank backs down, Settler’s Perspective, South African youth aspirations., You Can Help Campaign, youth criticise SA conditions

The ruling African National Congress in its various forms has reacted to an ad campaign by First National Bank in South Africa with what is tantamount to an admission of guilt on all counts. They ‘protest overmuch’.

In response, the Bank has withdrawn the ‘prosecution’.

This is what the drama unfolding at present amounts to. The campaign was based on a First National Bank ‘You Can Help Campaign’ where youth set out their aspirations for the future. Inevitably, in so doing they highlighted some of the things wrong at present – crime, violence, corruption, and lack of incentive for all groups together to drive the economy.

The ANC, clearly reacting out of a guilt complex, has launched into streams of utterly empty-headed rhetoric condemning the campaign and demanding apologies.

Unfortunately First National Bank, obviously looking nervously at its lucrative government accounts, has cravenly backed down and withdrawn most of the ads. This, even though it is clear that the accusations of an attack against the government are ludicrous. The youth who spoke out were merely reflecting the shortcomings and ideals as they see them in the present context, and if this led to implications of criticism of the ruling regime who is to blame?

The quality of debate from pro-government sources is typified by the following gem, quoted as being from a person with a number of degrees related to education, ‘… said it was insulting for a child to be seen reading a script insulting an elder’. Insulting is insulting? How remarkable. Especially if it isn’t, but merely points out known conditions.

Furthermore, East Coast Radio reports, ‘The ANC said the bank should not use children to make political statements in a manner disrespectful to elders that disregarded sacrifices made in the 18 years of democratic government.’ Again, characteristic outdated ‘Struggle’ or revolution thinking. When are they going to realise that it is the here and now that matters, and that if ‘Struggle’ heroes cannot perform in it, they need to stand aside instead of feeling that they are owed leadership positions? Respect must be earned, and does not come automatically with greater age.

A final, typical gem: ‘The South African Communist Party strongly condemns this action as highly irresponsible, reckless and unbecoming of any institution calling itself a bank,’ Utterly empty rhetoric, without any logic or substance. Of course, that is in common with Politicalese the world over, but still.

The only ones who come out of this with considerable credit are the youth who expressed these ideals. The examples still on YouTube are well worth viewing.

by colonialist

REALLY AWFUL ROONESPISMS

January 19, 2013 in humour, Nonsense rhyme, Really Awful Rhyme, Wordplay, Writing

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Tags: Colonialist, fun., funny rhyme, humour, lysdexic words, Really Awful Rhymes, Roonespisms, Settler’s Perspective, Spoonerisms, X-rated innuendo.

It can be extremely vexic

When I tend to be lysdexic -

If you ask for Pentas seeds

I may bring you centipedes.

Should you say the chores need doing,

You would find the doors I’m chewing

And if asked to warm a fish,

I might simply form a wish.

You would find I’d bought a wattle

When the list said water bottle;

And if told, ‘You! Listen here!’

I’d respond with hiss and leer.

If you wanted scones, well battered,

All you’d get is bones, well scattered;

And, instead of eating grapes,

You would find me greeting apes.

Don’t ask me for stunt that’s cunning –

The response might send your running;

Also, not to fry a tart

While inside; it isn’t smart!

She gets food; I see her nanny …

Hang on! This is getting ban-ny!

I must back off quite a bit,

Lest I get to shuck or fit.

by colonialist

REALLY AWFUL TIME RHYME

January 11, 2013 in Really Awful Rhyme

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Tags: Colonialist, fun., funny rhyme, humour, lack of blog activity., really awful rhyme, Settler’s Perspective, survival

While it is heartening to see

This site still has survival,

Suppose it far too much would be

To hope for an arrival

Of all the vast activity

In days of yore that we would see –

And it is quite a mystery

It suffers such deprival.

by colonialist

THREE REALLY AWFULLY BITTY NEWYEAR DITTIES.

January 1, 2013 in humour, Nonsense rhyme, Really Awful Rhyme, Wordplay

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Tags: Colonialist, fun., funny rhyme, humour, New Year binging, New Year fireworks, New Year resolutions, nonsense rhyme, really awful rhyme, Settler’s Perspective, wordplay.

Ebriated is good to be in;

One gets there quite quickly with gin,

But once in, no doubt,

You quickly pass out –

With such ins and outs, you can’t win!

To greet a New Year in, a bit,

You do need resolution –

No, put those weapons down, you twit,

That wasn’t, ‘Revolution’!

And though revolting (as we know),

You have no need to do it,

For resolution you can show,

Not make one to get through it.

The fools have been at it once more

With firework shows by the score;

They just couldn’t care

When pets go all spare,

Or those who would sleep

Their hours must keep;

Like kiddies with toys

Who like a loud noise

They have no regard for the law,

And carry on just as before –

Some rockets up rectums let’s stuff

To show them we’ve had quite enough.

by colonialist

CHRISTMAS #2

December 31, 2012 in Uncategorized

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Tags: 1st edition Paton, celery and cucumber soup, Colonialist, phalarope., second Christmas, Settler’s Perspective

We chose to have another Christmas with dinner and the whole works for the returned contingent on Sunday rather than on 31^st or 1^st, and this time a party of nine was involved. Great gorgings of grub were prepared, and then consumed in spite of a particularly steamy day again. The pool has featured large lately.

My contribution was another mammoth fruit salad involving bananas, apples, pineapple, grapes, pawpaw, lemons, cherries and raisins.

Before the traditional roast turkey we had this starter – soup herb indeed, if you take the mint into account. Otherwise it was whipped up by Younger Daughter based on cucumber and celery.

I have gained some more loot at our second gathering around the Christmas Tree. An engraving tool, a radio-controlled racing car to be shared with young R, a German-system soprano recorder with a particularly nice tone, a fantasy novel, and a first-edition copy of Too Late the Phalarope by Alan Paton. I wasn’t too sure what a phalarope is, but now know it is a sandpiper-like bird with toes lobed for swimming.

The kids received more parcels than they could deal with. They are definitely spoilt rotten – but that’s what happens when they are simply so adorable. J is talking up a storm, but at this stage one cannot yet make out what she is saying. Her sister is sometimes in the same category, as illustrated here:

R ambles out onto the patio where an animated discussion is taking place - regarding certain blog posts, as it happens – and interrupts with a loud, ‘Gran, there’s no such thing as a composteria.’
We all look at her blankly until Sr-i-l finds her voice. ‘What’s a composteria?’ she asks.
‘I have no idea,’ R says casually, and wanders back in again.
‘Conversations here are surreal!’ Sr-i-l comments.

Even after several weeks the beach is better from a distance than from close up and personal – the remnants of the riverbank de-littering are still everywhere, as I saw during my walk there it today. Of course, all the extra stuff adds interest for the pooch pack, and from home it is hardly visible so the scene still looks appealing.